Thursday, October 22, 2009

I've under estimated the human body

Been awhile since my last post

I don't bother to do anything now days

Failing my uni

Shifting away from everyone around me

Here's just something that happened during the last 2 months

I was taken to a psychiatrist for insomnia, anxiety and halluncination

My mum went with me...

she rikd the psychiatrist nearly everything there is about my body condition, past & oresent, well as for the present the eating part at least

i was just a piece of decoration at the psychiatrist's

listening to my mum talking more and more about my irregular eating behaviour, how my period stopped most of the year last year, losing too much weight compare to early last year ( well...thats what they reckon )

so the psychiatrist concluded that i might have ED...

"rolling my eyes" far that what i get for paying him 350AUD?!

maybe my parents should have just given the money to me instead LOL

my psychiatrist is an effin bastard
at the end of the first appointment my mum asked "so what's wrong with her?"

His answer? "She's getting too thin from dieting! Getting stuffed in the head!" these are not the exact words but pretty much covers it

I wanted to yell back at him " I'm not TOO THIN" EFFINpiss me off

I'm still so fat......if im too thin then what are those skinny girls out there who look so glamous...walking skeletons? i dont think so

in relation to my my previous post i have mentioned that i had 7 days water fast and at the same time i was taking diet pills n other stuff. i was having grey-outs whenever i get up from sitting or bed and i couldnt even walk up the stairs without breathing difficulties
at one time i even needed my mum to pull me up the stairs

also, as i have mention i was suffering from insomnia where i didnt not sleep for consecutive 5 days long......enjoying 24 hours a of 120 beautiful hours with my disgusting body

it was around the 3rd day i started to have serious anxiety which then (i suspect) caused the halluncination(vision and hearing).

I was seeing things that wasnt there e.g.

i was going to the toilet at night and i was too lazy to turn on the light
before i reach the toilet door i thought i saw shadows moving in the living room
and somewhere in my head i just had this idea that it was my parents, who were actually sleeping already, i got this feeling that they wanted to scare me or something
i thought i saw my dad going behing the curtains that was not so far from the toilet door

i really believed all these thoughts that i had were real ... i was scared that my dad will pop out once i turn my back to go into the toilet so i just stood there hoping that he will just give up

luckily the lights were just a meter away. i stretched my hand to the switch without moving
the lights were on...and there was no one there i stood there a bit longer just to make sure

so here it was, my first senario of not so good with writing so it might not sound like much but i was terrified at the time

the worst was my listening hallucination...i could hear my parents talk nearly 24 hrs stright....even wen they r not at home or sleeping 2 level above me.....i got hallucinations of them talking, so loud and clear, as if they were just meters from me........ i could make out words but cannot be sure what exactly they were talking about

these are just example of the fun i had since my last post....
you would think (at least i did) after all these my body had gone though there should have some internal damages so i was terrified when my psychiatrist told my mum to take me for body check...blood test...CT....ECG....but i still did them...convinced by one of my ed frd that it would be ok

And as my title would have already told results turn out to be fine....which surprised my psychiatrist (what did he expect?my body going on starvation? I WISH! i really do)
so the only thing that seem wrong was my lack of vitamin D for those who dont know...the sun is our body's main source of vitamin D

yes, i have not been out much...unleast i have no
but who would want to when you feel like a piece of fat shit?!
when i do go out, all i can take notice of is all these skinny girls and i would just want to hide myself....

so yea, thats what i've got to say for this heading....