Tuesday, November 24, 2009
and she was telling me that i'm so skinny now
What the fuck.....i weighted pretty much the saem since last time i saw her!!!
Yes, there has been no progresss with my weight loss because of my stuffed up uni exams
I think i will get "fail" for the first time in my life.........excellent
But yea back to what i was saying.....
what's wrong with people......saying that i look skinnier when i weight the same or even more? :S
Even if i do look bit thinner i will loook as skinny as her.....not even when my BMI is below her.....
Why? Because of my stupid bone structure.......i've been comparing ppl's rib size with mine from the side...................
FUCk mines nearly double the size.......................so even when i'm left with skin and bones i will still look bigger than them :"(
I HATE MY BODY!!!
The other day, another frd was telling me,
you look thin enough already when are you still saying that you are fat? It doesn't look good when you are too skinny.
It is not about looking good. Not at all. To me being sknny is the ONLY way to make me feel better about my body. People just don't get it.
What see what i mean about people having distored body image? This friend is saying i look thin enough as in i look NORMAL where as some other are saying i getting too skinny.
What the HELL.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I don't bother to do anything now days
Failing my uni
Shifting away from everyone around me
Here's just something that happened during the last 2 months
I was taken to a psychiatrist for insomnia, anxiety and halluncination
My mum went with me...
she rikd the psychiatrist nearly everything there is about my body condition, past & oresent, well as for the present the eating part at least
i was just a piece of decoration at the psychiatrist's
listening to my mum talking more and more about my irregular eating behaviour, how my period stopped most of the year last year, losing too much weight compare to early last year ( well...thats what they reckon )
so the psychiatrist concluded that i might have ED...
"rolling my eyes" far out....is that what i get for paying him 350AUD?!
maybe my parents should have just given the money to me instead LOL
my psychiatrist is an effin bastard
at the end of the first appointment my mum asked "so what's wrong with her?"
His answer? "She's getting too thin from dieting! Getting stuffed in the head!" these are not the exact words but pretty much covers it
I wanted to yell back at him " I'm not TOO THIN" EFFINpiss me off
I'm still so fat......if im too thin then what are those skinny girls out there who look so glamous...walking skeletons? i dont think so
in relation to my title....in my previous post i have mentioned that i had 7 days water fast and at the same time i was taking diet pills n other stuff. i was having grey-outs whenever i get up from sitting or bed and i couldnt even walk up the stairs without breathing difficulties
at one time i even needed my mum to pull me up the stairs
also, as i have mention i was suffering from insomnia where i didnt not sleep for consecutive 5 days long......enjoying 24 hours a day....total of 120 beautiful hours with my disgusting body
it was around the 3rd day i started to have serious anxiety which then (i suspect) caused the halluncination(vision and hearing).
I was seeing things that wasnt there e.g.
i was going to the toilet at night and i was too lazy to turn on the light
before i reach the toilet door i thought i saw shadows moving in the living room
and somewhere in my head i just had this idea that it was my parents, who were actually sleeping already, i got this feeling that they wanted to scare me or something
i thought i saw my dad going behing the curtains that was not so far from the toilet door
i really believed all these thoughts that i had were real ... i was scared that my dad will pop out once i turn my back to go into the toilet so i just stood there hoping that he will just give up
luckily the lights were just a meter away. i stretched my hand to the switch without moving
the lights were on...and there was no one there i stood there a bit longer just to make sure
so here it was, my first senario of hallucination....im not so good with writing so it might not sound like much but i was terrified at the time
the worst was my listening hallucination...i could hear my parents talk nearly 24 hrs stright....even wen they r not at home or sleeping 2 level above me.....i got hallucinations of them talking, so loud and clear, as if they were just meters from me........ i could make out words but cannot be sure what exactly they were talking about
these are just example of the fun i had since my last post....
you would think (at least i did) after all these my body had gone though there should have some internal damages so i was terrified when my psychiatrist told my mum to take me for body check...blood test...CT....ECG....but i still did them...convinced by one of my ed frd that it would be ok
And as my title would have already told you....my results turn out to be fine....which surprised my psychiatrist (what did he expect?my body going on starvation? I WISH! i really do)
so the only thing that seem wrong was my lack of vitamin D for those who dont know...the sun is our body's main source of vitamin D
yes, i have not been out much...unleast i have no
but who would want to when you feel like a piece of fat shit?!
when i do go out, all i can take notice of is all these skinny girls and i would just want to hide myself....
so yea, thats what i've got to say for this heading....
Sunday, August 23, 2009
S has been someone that triggers my depression by doing and saying things that relates to weight and size. My title is one of the great example.
S has higher confidence than I do. Ok, in an objective view she might have her lower self esteem side. But:
She's confident enough to flirt with most of the guys she meets and make them like her if she wants.
Sometimes she might have few bfs at the same time.
She plans out a path to the future. Like doing things to prepare for the future.
Whereas in my case, I'm an avoidant. I don't want to have much contact with other people. I feel too fat most of the time to go out. I wouldn't want to have dine out while thinking hard when would be the best time to go purge in the toilet.
My future? Die from malnutrition. Yes, that's my plan.
I would first need to stop binging. I just need a start. Once i get on the track i will be all good. Max 500cal over a long period maybe before the end of next year i should be good enough to be gone.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
my mum, knowing i'm upset about S losing weight, making me feel even fatter and in need to lose more weight:God, you will only have skin and bones!
I didn't reply, i know how mentally ill i sound....i just let my tears flow freely down my face....i couldnt help itit's not like i want to make my mum worry but i need someone IRL to talk to, i need to speak out or i would feel like bashing myself and cry even more
S has always suspect me to have bits of depression kinda thing and by the way i acted yesterday and some negative msg on my msn name she urge me to seek professional help. She said it to my face yesterday "I really think you are ill. You should go see a professional. I think you have anxiety."Then last night seeing me on msn, worry by the msg on my name she was more determinded to persuade me to go get help. And guess what one of the things she said?"Did someone died?" wtf................By the way she responds i think she reckons i'm so down because of external factors. but little does she know what's going on inside me.....all the thoughts that goe through my headI told her just treat me as usual. She's not going to make things any better. (didn't mention sometimes she just makes it worst)She wants "peace of mind" she wants me to promise her to at least see my GPi would have gone long ago if i feel like i'm mentally ready but she FORCED me to say it. i don't like lying. if i said it, most of the time i only say it if i mean it. I know she's just worry and caring for me, but isn't she being just that little bit too selfish? forcing me to go see doc when i'm not ready but just so she feels better?i felt so uneasy that i started crying.....i know she's a good friend, i know it's the right thing to do anyway...............but does she ever consider how i feel??Good example: when i was gong through era of binging and gaining weight. I TOLD HER i was not happy because of losing control of what i eat. i LITERALLY SAID IT TO HER and i'm sure that i didn't put it into some unknown language........then guess what she did............she tells me that she's hungry bc she's eating less to lose some weight. Not just once...!!! in lecture, msn.....sms when im not with her in uni......putting it on her msn...............and what was i doing when i receive the msg? binging!.........she made me feel like i was in heaven...........
Sometime i feel confused. what does she want from me? one time she's all caring the other she just say things that makes me want to stab myself..............
God just remember another thing from yesterday....we both got the same belt..................i was holding it, when i gave her one one bacl b4 goinghome she asked: " did you get S/M as well?" i asked "what sizes are there?" "S/M & M/L" "would i get M/L?" "i don't know "..........why does she do that!!!!!! i always get S/M........she's the one that usually get M/L...
Back to last night, with tears and frustration i agreed that i will go to my GP today. I couldn't stand having that conversation any longer and before she went S said:hope it goes wellS said:and that you're not diagnosed with depression
was it suppose to be funny? coz it made me laugh and cry at the same time...........
i should really shut up now......................
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
i couldn't resist it.........i would sit in front of my computer doing something while having tears streaming down my face..........couldn't stop...........
had a talk with my dad...........he pointed out................"it's your obsession with perfection"...."you need to realise that not everything can be perfect"..............."no need to be so hard on yourself, following the world not working against it"
i felt bit more relaxed inside and thought i might actually get better
but the feeling of being a failure will always be there......i refuse to talk about my grades with any1,i will give them shits if any1 asks.......
still..........overall i got abit better, started restricting..........the feeling of control is good.....makes me feel like the life is normal again
sadly i didnt lose enough weight to compensate the weight gain from binging last week........but i will eventually get back there ..i know i will
Another thing that's been happening,
i've been avoiding frd S & K. they're actually my 2 closest friends. but like i have mentioned in my past posts being with them constantly remind me of my fatty body so i've been talking to other ppl...........................................but i couldnt help it.......i wouldn't stop mentioning about weight stuff ................they must think i'm a weirdo that's obssess with weight loss...................
then i will be ignored.....no one will want to talk to me anymore.................................................
i wonder how long it will take to starve myself to death
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I'vw never expect it to happen to me seeing how much i binge at times.
But yesterday it was all different.
Yesterday was the 7th day of my water fast. Up until then i had nothing but water and tea sometimes an additional 20ml soymilk with it.
By the 5th day my energy level had gone way down the hill that i could bearly walk around much so i just stayed in bed. But exercise is important! I know i couldn't make myself go to gym in that state so i tried find someone to go out with me just so i have a bit of walk. And that was what my last post was about. It was then i started to realised i needed to focus on my breathing while i walk so i dont get the feeling of lack of oxygen or something. I didn't think too much of it after that I was way too happy to have gone through another day of my fast.
Fast forward to yesterday, I needed to help my mum at her work place. I couldnt get myself to work as effective as before, it's too tiring. I would try not to talk at all since it takes too much energy from me. The energy tablet i got the day befoer was not working! I didn't want to be a slow worker so i tried my best to work faster. Then my heart started to hurt. It was such a relief when my mum declare work of the day was done. On our way home we needed to walk these stairs. For the first time i started to feel tired before i reach the top. My mum even needed to pull me a bit. She's always saying that she doesn't get why i need to lose weight. Well, she will never get it.
As you can see my body wasn't doing well at all so i've decided that i will let my mum prepare lunch for me. I took it into my room on my bedside table. I've even taken a piece of chocolate as treat. So there it was on my bedside table, 1 hour...2hour.....3hour....4 hour....5hour....I couldnt get myself to eat it. It felt like anything that goes into my body will put a pound on me or something. But i know, i need it! So the two side of me; obssession & logic side, was fighting inside my head. None of my ED friends were online, no one IRL i can talk to. I felt helpless.
i just start crying. It wasn't until 7 hours later a good friend came on! She convinced me to just take a small amount, it wouldn't be too bad. I said i will try.
It was at night already, so i thought maybe i will eat tomorrow(ie today). But then it wasn't as easy as i thought. I couldn't sleep at all. My head started to burn like mad and my heart beats were racing through my chest. It was already past midnight, i really don't want to eat at that time, what if i will gain when i go on the scale in the morning! But i had no choice the discomfort was not going away. So i ate my lunch which had been sitting there for 11 hours...chew and spit most of them but i think i did manage to get something down. Funny thing while i eat i needed to keep telling myself "ilove food i love food" ...sigh.....
Finally, my body felt good enoough to sleep and i was happy with what it says on the scale today.=]