Wednesday, July 22, 2009

22/7/09 morning

Yeserday i met up with frd S, i didn't talk much, she makes me too body conscious like alwaysshe was telling me she lost weight from being sick and even fainted from not eating enough......from what she recount, she had less than 1500 cal for 2 days.......................i dont think is thenot eating enough that made her fainted....i know....i'm not nice for saying this, i should be worrying about my frd who fainted............but the ill me seems to be taking control over most of my emotions these days....all i can think of is....."so u think u fainted from not eating enough? HA maybe i should do a fast until i faint or something".....i dont think its right to think that way, but.......... :thedevildance: and when she could fit a size 10 dress she's kept saying "happy happy happy happy happy happy happy" & i just sat outside the change room....logical me: of coz she's happy any girl would be happy......ill me: how many times do u need to repeat that word!!!!!!!!sorry i am fat!!logical me: i'm still thinner than you HAill me: u lost weight? u can fit a size 10? i will lose more ! until i fit size 4!(US0)logical me: stop it!!! u r still thinner than her! even though you don't know what's she weigh now but last time she mentioned it, its still over BMI 20 she cant be anywhere close to ur BMI so STOP getting upset that she's lost weight!!ill me: what if she keeps on with the weight loss?? i cant let her be close to my weight!!!!! i want to be at least 20kg under her!!!!!!!!!
my mum, knowing i'm upset about S losing weight, making me feel even fatter and in need to lose more weight:God, you will only have skin and bones!
I didn't reply, i know how mentally ill i sound....i just let my tears flow freely down my face....i couldnt help itit's not like i want to make my mum worry but i need someone IRL to talk to, i need to speak out or i would feel like bashing myself and cry even more
S has always suspect me to have bits of depression kinda thing and by the way i acted yesterday and some negative msg on my msn name she urge me to seek professional help. She said it to my face yesterday "I really think you are ill. You should go see a professional. I think you have anxiety."Then last night seeing me on msn, worry by the msg on my name she was more determinded to persuade me to go get help. And guess what one of the things she said?"Did someone died?" wtf................By the way she responds i think she reckons i'm so down because of external factors. but little does she know what's going on inside me.....all the thoughts that goe through my headI told her just treat me as usual. She's not going to make things any better. (didn't mention sometimes she just makes it worst)She wants "peace of mind" she wants me to promise her to at least see my GPi would have gone long ago if i feel like i'm mentally ready but she FORCED me to say it. i don't like lying. if i said it, most of the time i only say it if i mean it. I know she's just worry and caring for me, but isn't she being just that little bit too selfish? forcing me to go see doc when i'm not ready but just so she feels better?i felt so uneasy that i started crying.....i know she's a good friend, i know it's the right thing to do anyway...............but does she ever consider how i feel??Good example: when i was gong through era of binging and gaining weight. I TOLD HER i was not happy because of losing control of what i eat. i LITERALLY SAID IT TO HER and i'm sure that i didn't put it into some unknown language........then guess what she did............she tells me that she's hungry bc she's eating less to lose some weight. Not just once...!!! in lecture, msn.....sms when im not with her in uni......putting it on her msn...............and what was i doing when i receive the msg? binging!.........she made me feel like i was in heaven...........
Sometime i feel confused. what does she want from me? one time she's all caring the other she just say things that makes me want to stab myself..............
God just remember another thing from yesterday....we both got the same belt..................i was holding it, when i gave her one one bacl b4 goinghome she asked: " did you get S/M as well?" i asked "what sizes are there?" "S/M & M/L" "would i get M/L?" "i don't know "..........why does she do that!!!!!! i always get S/M........she's the one that usually get M/L...
Back to last night, with tears and frustration i agreed that i will go to my GP today. I couldn't stand having that conversation any longer and before she went S said:hope it goes wellS said:and that you're not diagnosed with depression
was it suppose to be funny? coz it made me laugh and cry at the same time...........
i should really shut up now......................

Monday, July 20, 2009

I can see it! just a little~ but i can see it!

Spine with minimum bending!!!!!!

Yay ! =] Finally~ something that cheers me up abit

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Who was I kidding....happiness will never be in my procession

Upset by my depressed...............just tears & more tears...........
i couldn't resist it.........i would sit in front of my computer doing something while having tears streaming down my face..........couldn't stop...........

had a talk with my dad...........he pointed out................"it's your obsession with perfection"...."you need to realise that not everything can be perfect"..............."no need to be so hard on yourself, following the world not working against it"

i felt bit more relaxed inside and thought i might actually get better

but the feeling of being a failure will always be there......i refuse to talk about my grades with any1,i will give them shits if any1 asks.......

still..........overall i got abit better, started restricting..........the feeling of control is good.....makes me feel like the life is normal again

sadly i didnt lose enough weight to compensate the weight gain from binging last week........but i will eventually get back there ..i know i will

Another thing that's been happening,
i've been avoiding frd S & K. they're actually my 2 closest friends. but like i have mentioned in my past posts being with them constantly remind me of my fatty body so i've been talking to other ppl...........................................but i couldnt help it.......i wouldn't stop mentioning about weight stuff ................they must think i'm a weirdo that's obssess with weight loss...................

then i will be one will want to talk to me anymore.................................................

shit life..........................

i wonder how long it will take to starve myself to death

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Food Phobia

I went through an episode of food phobia yesterday and it was a horrible feeling.

I'vw never expect it to happen to me seeing how much i binge at times.

But yesterday it was all different.

Yesterday was the 7th day of my water fast. Up until then i had nothing but water and tea sometimes an additional 20ml soymilk with it.

By the 5th day my energy level had gone way down the hill that i could bearly walk around much so i just stayed in bed. But exercise is important! I know i couldn't make myself go to gym in that state so i tried find someone to go out with me just so i have a bit of walk. And that was what my last post was about. It was then i started to realised i needed to focus on my breathing while i walk so i dont get the feeling of lack of oxygen or something. I didn't think too much of it after that I was way too happy to have gone through another day of my fast.

Fast forward to yesterday, I needed to help my mum at her work place. I couldnt get myself to work as effective as before, it's too tiring. I would try not to talk at all since it takes too much energy from me. The energy tablet i got the day befoer was not working! I didn't want to be a slow worker so i tried my best to work faster. Then my heart started to hurt. It was such a relief when my mum declare work of the day was done. On our way home we needed to walk these stairs. For the first time i started to feel tired before i reach the top. My mum even needed to pull me a bit. She's always saying that she doesn't get why i need to lose weight. Well, she will never get it.

As you can see my body wasn't doing well at all so i've decided that i will let my mum prepare lunch for me. I took it into my room on my bedside table. I've even taken a piece of chocolate as treat. So there it was on my bedside table, 1 hour...2hour.....3hour....4 hour....5hour....I couldnt get myself to eat it. It felt like anything that goes into my body will put a pound on me or something. But i know, i need it! So the two side of me; obssession & logic side, was fighting inside my head. None of my ED friends were online, no one IRL i can talk to. I felt helpless.

i just start crying. It wasn't until 7 hours later a good friend came on! She convinced me to just take a small amount, it wouldn't be too bad. I said i will try.

It was at night already, so i thought maybe i will eat tomorrow(ie today). But then it wasn't as easy as i thought. I couldn't sleep at all. My head started to burn like mad and my heart beats were racing through my chest. It was already past midnight, i really don't want to eat at that time, what if i will gain when i go on the scale in the morning! But i had no choice the discomfort was not going away. So i ate my lunch which had been sitting there for 11 hours...chew and spit most of them but i think i did manage to get something down. Funny thing while i eat i needed to keep telling myself "ilove food i love food" ...sigh.....
Finally, my body felt good enoough to sleep and i was happy with what it says on the scale today.=]

Monday, July 6, 2009


I had a bit of battle within myself yesterday deciding rather or not i should eat.

The water fasting has been lowing my energy level way more than i would have liked it. I couldn't even get myself out of the bed in the morning. That means i couldn't get the work out i have planned. I was really upset. So i thought maybe just go out and hang with a friend would be better than me laying around.

I couldn't find anyone else free except S. I'm not saying that she's not a good friend but sometimes she mentions too much things related to weight which I'm sensitive to. When i saw her yesterday, i could tell that she's proud of her body. She would even tell her guy friend that was with us that she doesn't have a stomach. Yes, it's a flatter than before but that would be an exaggerated statement to make.

Yesterday, i've realised something. It's something that i didn't even thought is worth thinking about. S has a habit of putting her hand over my waist. And everytime when i've lost weight or lost weight after i've gained she would say to be "you've gone thinner." but if i've gain weight she wouldn't say anything. It's not like she does it during the whole time while we out. She only does it for these few seconds to feel my waist. =\ But yea, i told her that i didn't lose any weight and it's kinda true, i've only gone back to my LW

It was freezing yesterday and i didn't wear enough. In addition to that, i haven't had anything except water and tea for the past few days so my body didn't really have the energy to heat up the body. My lips and hands literally turned purple. =\ Luckily i had lip gloss to cover the lips.

As i was saying in the beginning, i had a bit of trouble continuing my fast. It turns out that it's so much easier not to want to eat when i'm with friends. While they have their lunch/dinner i just order a good warm flower tea. I also enjoy counting the calories that they were having. =P

After that we went to see a movie. Which is a really good way to take my mind off my lack of energy. We watched "State of Play". I wouldn't say it's really good nor entertaining. But these kind of serious movies really get my mind working. You know, getting every sentence that they are saying to make sure i get the full story. By the end of the movie i was way tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. So yea, it was good, the going out helped me go through my fast~Yah=]

Saturday, July 4, 2009


i've been water fasting for the past few days and my parents kinda noticed it.=\
We don't store much food at home so when i pig out it's really easy to find that food are gone.
So yea, since i've been fasting i have not touch anything in the kitchen except getting water, bit obvious.
My mum knows that i hate my body and trying to lose weight. So i thought she would undrstand enough to just let me do whatever. But instead she told me yesterday that if i continue with my weight loss she will send me to a psych =[. I was nearly in tears! Why do that to me!
After awhile i put my mind together and thought "I doubt she'll really do it unleast i make things look too serious." So, as a solution i've been taking food from the kitchen and hid thm in my own kitchen cabinet just to make it look like i've eaten something. And when i'm off my fast i might eat them if they're not overdue yet =P

PS as i was talking to my mum yesterday i've also reveal something that my skinny frd K said to me which made me feel quite upset(something about K being skinnier than me). Her response was "of course, K is really skinny she's only saying the truth." *upset* then i told my mum "i hate it, i hate how she can always be so sure that she's skinnier than me. She has no right to make such assumption forever! i'm going to be skinnier than her!" my mum " why you want to do that, besides she's got a smaller bone structure which made her look smaller even if she's got for fat" me "that's ok, i will just be bonier than her!!"
I believe with ana by my side I can do it!!!!!!!