Monday, June 29, 2009

Ana please help me

I was just on facebook. My friend S put up a new status.
New hair, new height and new weight!

At the moment i don't know what i want to do with myself. I need ana!

I hate when S loses weight. Why?
  1. She's taller and prettier than me
  2. Has a high self esteem, socially active nearly always gets the guys she wants
  3. She doesn't care about her weight as much as i do! She was happy with the weight she had.

What the fuck. Why is life so unfair??????????????????????????????????????????????????????/

I want to kill myself right now.

Friday, June 26, 2009

oh mia...

fast one day, hop onto the scale the next day

no weight loss? mia will come..

and then the whole thing happens again for the whole week this week



solution? maybe i will just water fast for as long as i can and weigh myself once in a few days....

hope that works..........

food is evil!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Ana or Mia?

Ana of coz! Mia go away :/
Let myself loss for the past few days. So this week it was half ana and half mia. Regrets? yes. Hate myself losing control. Hate all these fat on my body. It makes me feel disgusted. Sometimes i have the urge to take out a knife and just cut them out.
I sound calm? Well i am now. I've done all the yelling and screaming in my head already. I'm glad to have this blog here where i can spill out all my weight issues. In real life, people will just think I'm weird to be complaining myself to be fat. Before setting this blog i got no one to talk to about all these stuff.
When i complained about my weight to my friends they will just tell me that I'm thin enough or I'm just right. 1. I don't want to be just right, i want to be skinny! 2. I'm not thin! I can still see all these fat! They never try to understand, all they do is repeat themselves trying to focus their ideas into mine.
I started ana this time last yr but i didn't do it intentionally it just kind of happened. I was trying to lose some weight so i started to control my calorie intake. At the same time i had this casual job which was getting really busy in June and July so i was working my head off as well as controlling my calories. And then slowly, my daily intake got as low as less then 200cal for nearly whole month. Result? Lost around 6 kg? and no period for 6 months. :/ During that 6 months i started to eat in normal capacity then slowly i became mia.

Sorry for that bit of boring history. But yea, tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning~!
Starve on~ [=
but i know, no one would care, no one would ever care
im ugly and fat

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Date? = Eating? >.<

As mention in the last post i declined a dinner night to keep up with my progress. However, that person invited me again asking me what i am doing for the next few days. AWW.....i couldn't make up something for everyday and so it was decided that we will be meeting up tomorrow.

Problem is, if i go and have a normal dinner what can i order? Even if i just order a salad i might not be able to finish it. That's going to be weird isn't it? Like, here's a plate of salad and i take a few spoonful and said i'm full already. one thing, i hate wasting food and second wouldn't it seem rude? What other choices do i have??? Order a glass of orange juice and just watch someone else eat? It would be ok if it's someone that i've known for awhile but i've only known this person for...less than a month?

So can anyone give me some suggestion on what i can do?!Please!

Yesterday was thursday, grovery shopping day. I regret so much of going with my mum!! I ended up breaking my fast. HELL After a few days of fast, eating solid food seems like a sin. Even a few spoonful of salad feels like it's going to put a pound on me. But I knew i sort of needed the energy since i've been having heaps of grey-out. Ok, that's no excuse. I'm weak >< omg, whenever i think of it makes me want to cry. And my mum! bought my favourite ice cream stick! There it is, looking at me calling out, "You've break your fast already might as well have a treat!" I'm a sinner. F*** there goes 235cal. Luckily, i didn't go pass my max intake.(Trying not to think of the fat and carbohydrates)

So points for thursday:
Under max intake: +10
Water: +3
Exercise: +5
Total: 18

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Rumbling stomach...but i can't feel any hunger.

Today is the forth day of my fast. I'm amazed. Didn't really eat anything except the boost juice i had yesterday which is 140cal. What' made me decide to get it is because I was woken by heartburn yesterday. So i thought i should at least put something in my stomach beside water and tea. For that intake i worked hard during my workout so i can burn at least 300cal~ which took me around 1hr15min. Maybe its because i havent been exercising for awhile, felt so tired and sweat so much even though i wasn't exercising in high intensity.

After gym i went shopping. Well, i wasn't planning to get anything since i feel so fat. But just want to check out the sales and maybe grab some bargains? So after my workout i shopped for around 4 hours at least. which was so tiring so wen i got home i just went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night and blog~ ha Oh, and for the heartburn i went to get some antacid just incase it happens again. Wouldn't want it to happen again, felt like i wanted to vomit without anything in my stomach.

Someone asked me out for dinner tonight, but i declined making an excuse that i feel unwell so it can be changed to next week. I'm not going to let anyone interrup my fast since i've been so successful so far!

Better get ready to go gym soon!~ [=

Weight Loss Comp points

Under max intake: +10
Exercise: +2
Total: 15

Under max intake: +10
Water: +2
Exercise: +5
Total: 17

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Feeling abit down at the moment....

The every first thing i did this morning was salt flush. But it didn't go well. I thought i should do it again to make sure i clean all the junk that i had so that my body dont hang on to them. Everything was just like yesterday except i feel my stomach being really blowed so i kept on massaging with my palm for the whole 30min. Then all of a sudden all the salt water came right out.==; Luckily i still had my cup with me. Then the rest just followed....No idea how that happened. Felt sick for half of the day. Don't think i will be doing it again anytime soon.

I had my last exam today. YAY! Now I can start my exercise again~! Need to burn ALL THE FAT! I measured myself last night....dislike the numbers very much...and out of all, my thighs had gained most fat. I hate being a PEAR! My legs look short and chubby. The perfect legs:

On my way home i bumped into a friend and had a little chat. First it was about how she's been and then we started talking about being thin. She was telling me how she doesn't like those bony models and i was getting abit too thin when i was at my lowest weight now its just right. I didn't really talk back. I wanted to defend. I wanted to say that I want to be bony. But she wouldnt understand. She would just say, it's ugly! It's aibt sad to know how people don't appreciate your prespective of beauty.

Then there's this mind struggle i have had all day. On my way to uni, theres fast food chains, grovery stores, backery and sushi bar. Leave me alone!
"Get something to eat, you can lose weight by limiting intake no need to fast."
"You can't risk feeling dizzy during exam, eat something!"
"I really want to loose all these stupid weight i've gain in the past month"
"According to info, i can lose at least 1lb everyday! Don't you want see if it really does?"
So these thoughts kept on circulating my head. sigh....

Monday, June 15, 2009

Finally I have the guts to put up my points for the weight competition~
Today's intake: water, tea and the lemon juice
Total: <20cal
under max intake: +10
water: +8
Hope this will continue for the rest of the week =]

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Ready to fly again!

My first 24 hour fast! I'm overwhelm by my success after my long continuous struggle with self control for the past month. Everything will get back on track now!

Did a salt flush this morning which was really successful! Much better than the ones i did before.
The only difference between the one i did this moring and the ones that i had done is that instead of 2litres of water i only use 1litre to accommodate with my 2 teaspoon of salt.
It is recommended to use unidolized salt but i didn't have time and the will to go out so i just use the normal seasalt and it still works pretty well .^^ And with 1litre less its much easier to finish within 30min!
Now I have made myself a cup of lemon tea with black tea and 2 tablespoon of freshly squeezed lemon juice. the teabag should be around 2cal and lemon juice should be 7cal so that's 9cal.

I made this according to the lemon cleanse concept. I don't really like adding syrups as suggested from most of the sites i visited it makes me think of sugar. So i use blacktea as a substitution for the taste. I don't know if other people can take it but it tastes alright with me. I'm not sure with the effect but tea is got to be good for u right?
I have just done some reasearh. Apparently green tea is better for weight loss than black tea because they have more catechins which have effect on body fat. Should change to green tea now~<3
Hopefully I can do a 7day fast without any disruption. My last exam is tomorrow. After that my friends will want to go celebrate which will definitely including eating out. I better start prepare some excuses. The best one i can come up with so far, "Exhausted from overnight study, need to go home and sleep.".
Then there are meeting up with friends that i haven't seen in a while.
Excuse: My parents want me to have dinner or lunch with me ~ Ya~ that should do
But then what if i will be out with them for the whole day?Hmm.....that will be a problem.....
My ultimate goal is to do a 28days fast~ will that be forever a goal?

Stephanie Naumoska: 2009 Miss Australia candidate~
the first thing i saw her on TV: She'e got my dream body!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Ibbie Assumptions

  • not losing weight while trying to = i am fat
  • unable to easily fit into a size 0 or the smallest size and looking good = i am fat
  • i am fat when i feel fat
  • losing weight doesnt mean im thin, im just bit slimmer than before but still fat
  • not losing weight or not losing enough weight while someone else have = i am fat
  • similarly, if someone is moving down a size and i am still at the same size or not feeling loose in my clothes = i am fat
  • weighting the same as someone i reckon is skinny doesnt mean i am skinny too, they might be taller or i might have lighter bones which makes my body have larger proportion of fat

One of my inspirational celeb: Nicole Richie~~ she makes me beilieve it can be done!

Saturday, June 6, 2009


Why can't I stop eating?
Do I want my fat ass back? NO
Do i want to cover myself with baggie clothes to hide my fat? NO
I want to feel beautiful! I am clear with what I want.
I don't get it, sometimes I can just limit myself to calories <500 for whole month
and sometimes i just fucken can't get my mind off FOOD.

I really do want to look skinny....i really why am i doing this to myself...

I have this friend who i would say...skinny..naturally skinny...and she knows it
She would tell me at times that she wants to get fatter, she wants to put on abit more weight
She's skinny but not scary skinny....

She's about 3inch taller than me but weights close to my weight...
Even at the lowest weight of 97lb...which was about 8lb lighter than her....
When i told her i was finally lighter than her, she looked at me up and down abit
and said "I probably have heavy bones".......
I was speechless....

Secretly in my mind i vow to myself
I WILL one day be so skinny that even this friend of mine will say that I look skinnier than her!

So for that, I should gettin back on track with my weight loss journey

Friday, June 5, 2009

I need a fast!!!

Frustrated....I have been trying to have a fast for the past week and failed :'(
After seeing all these other pro ana bloggings, i figured that if i have a blog of my own i will be more likely to succeed XD
So yea, besides that i am hoping to find supports from other pro ana ^o^
Don't expect me to use any beautiful words, im just going to blog with my raw emotion here.

In my world~ i dont have any or know any pro ana frds
I really hate it when people tell me that i am thin enough and i shouldnt lose anymore weight.
They are just saying it because they r fatter or they just don't see all the fat !
There was this chick that about the same height and weight as me and she was telling me that im in good shape. Fuck her! Ok she's got a slim upper body but she looks like she's got elephant legs! GOD! Don't tell me that im thin enough for looking like her!

Then there's this better times she will say to me...."babe~ u know u r skinny" and i was just like~ NO NO NO NO NO

seriously i need people that can understand me !

i am around 5'3 tall and no idea what my current weight is..
i was doing so well in APRIL limiting my calories to 500 and excercising everyday! reaching lowest 97 lb! but out of no where got all depressed during May and started binging! Now i dont fucken want to go on the scale...Even without going on the scale....I know...i've gained heaps of weight i can feel the fat running through every inch of my body. It makes me want to cry:'(

So please give me strength all the pro ana out there!~

My goal is to reach 85lb by October latest~~ before my birthday ~ it would be the best present i can give to myself <3 and then i will continue to see how much more i can lose XD