22/7/09 morning

Yeserday i met up with frd S, i didn't talk much, she makes me too body conscious like alwaysshe was telling me she lost weight from being sick and even fainted from not eating enough......from what she recount, she had less than 1500 cal for 2 days.......................i dont think is thenot eating enough that made her fainted....i know....i'm not nice for saying this, i should be worrying about my frd who fainted............but the ill me seems to be taking control over most of my emotions these days....all i can think of is....."so u think u fainted from not eating enough? HA maybe i should do a fast until i faint or something".....i dont think its right to think that way, but.......... :thedevildance: and when she could fit a size 10 dress she's kept saying "happy happy happy happy happy happy happy" & i just sat outside the change room....logical me: of coz she's happy any girl would be happy......ill me: how many times do u need to repeat that word!!!!!!!!sorry i am fat!!logical me: i'm still thinner than you HAill me: u lost weight? u can fit a size 10? i will lose more ! until i fit size 4!(US0)logical me: stop it!!! u r still thinner than her! even though you don't know what's she weigh now but last time she mentioned it, its still over BMI 20 she cant be anywhere close to ur BMI so STOP getting upset that she's lost weight!!ill me: what if she keeps on with the weight loss?? i cant let her be close to my weight!!!!! i want to be at least 20kg under her!!!!!!!!!
my mum, knowing i'm upset about S losing weight, making me feel even fatter and in need to lose more weight:God, you will only have skin and bones!
I didn't reply, i know how mentally ill i sound....i just let my tears flow freely down my face....i couldnt help itit's not like i want to make my mum worry but i need someone IRL to talk to, i need to speak out or i would feel like bashing myself and cry even more
S has always suspect me to have bits of depression kinda thing and by the way i acted yesterday and some negative msg on my msn name she urge me to seek professional help. She said it to my face yesterday "I really think you are ill. You should go see a professional. I think you have anxiety."Then last night seeing me on msn, worry by the msg on my name she was more determinded to persuade me to go get help. And guess what one of the things she said?"Did someone died?" wtf................By the way she responds i think she reckons i'm so down because of external factors. but little does she know what's going on inside me.....all the thoughts that goe through my headI told her just treat me as usual. She's not going to make things any better. (didn't mention sometimes she just makes it worst)She wants "peace of mind" she wants me to promise her to at least see my GPi would have gone long ago if i feel like i'm mentally ready but she FORCED me to say it. i don't like lying. if i said it, most of the time i only say it if i mean it. I know she's just worry and caring for me, but isn't she being just that little bit too selfish? forcing me to go see doc when i'm not ready but just so she feels better?i felt so uneasy that i started crying.....i know she's a good friend, i know it's the right thing to do anyway...............but does she ever consider how i feel??Good example: when i was gong through era of binging and gaining weight. I TOLD HER i was not happy because of losing control of what i eat. i LITERALLY SAID IT TO HER and i'm sure that i didn't put it into some unknown language........then guess what she did............she tells me that she's hungry bc she's eating less to lose some weight. Not just once...!!! in lecture, msn.....sms when im not with her in uni......putting it on her msn...............and what was i doing when i receive the msg? binging!.........she made me feel like i was in heaven...........
Sometime i feel confused. what does she want from me? one time she's all caring the other she just say things that makes me want to stab myself..............
God just remember another thing from yesterday....we both got the same belt..................i was holding it, when i gave her one one bacl b4 goinghome she asked: " did you get S/M as well?" i asked "what sizes are there?" "S/M & M/L" "would i get M/L?" "i don't know "..........why does she do that!!!!!! i always get S/M........she's the one that usually get M/L...
Back to last night, with tears and frustration i agreed that i will go to my GP today. I couldn't stand having that conversation any longer and before she went S said:hope it goes wellS said:and that you're not diagnosed with depression
was it suppose to be funny? coz it made me laugh and cry at the same time...........
i should really shut up now......................