Food Phobia

I went through an episode of food phobia yesterday and it was a horrible feeling.

I'vw never expect it to happen to me seeing how much i binge at times.

But yesterday it was all different.

Yesterday was the 7th day of my water fast. Up until then i had nothing but water and tea sometimes an additional 20ml soymilk with it.

By the 5th day my energy level had gone way down the hill that i could bearly walk around much so i just stayed in bed. But exercise is important! I know i couldn't make myself go to gym in that state so i tried find someone to go out with me just so i have a bit of walk. And that was what my last post was about. It was then i started to realised i needed to focus on my breathing while i walk so i dont get the feeling of lack of oxygen or something. I didn't think too much of it after that I was way too happy to have gone through another day of my fast.

Fast forward to yesterday, I needed to help my mum at her work place. I couldnt get myself to work as effective as before, it's too tiring. I would try not to talk at all since it takes too much energy from me. The energy tablet i got the day befoer was not working! I didn't want to be a slow worker so i tried my best to work faster. Then my heart started to hurt. It was such a relief when my mum declare work of the day was done. On our way home we needed to walk these stairs. For the first time i started to feel tired before i reach the top. My mum even needed to pull me a bit. She's always saying that she doesn't get why i need to lose weight. Well, she will never get it.

As you can see my body wasn't doing well at all so i've decided that i will let my mum prepare lunch for me. I took it into my room on my bedside table. I've even taken a piece of chocolate as treat. So there it was on my bedside table, 1 hour...2hour.....3hour....4 hour....5hour....I couldnt get myself to eat it. It felt like anything that goes into my body will put a pound on me or something. But i know, i need it! So the two side of me; obssession & logic side, was fighting inside my head. None of my ED friends were online, no one IRL i can talk to. I felt helpless.

i just start crying. It wasn't until 7 hours later a good friend came on! She convinced me to just take a small amount, it wouldn't be too bad. I said i will try.

It was at night already, so i thought maybe i will eat tomorrow(ie today). But then it wasn't as easy as i thought. I couldn't sleep at all. My head started to burn like mad and my heart beats were racing through my chest. It was already past midnight, i really don't want to eat at that time, what if i will gain when i go on the scale in the morning! But i had no choice the discomfort was not going away. So i ate my lunch which had been sitting there for 11 hours...chew and spit most of them but i think i did manage to get something down. Funny thing while i eat i needed to keep telling myself "ilove food i love food" ...sigh.....
Finally, my body felt good enoough to sleep and i was happy with what it says on the scale today.=]