God, I just met up with my bestie for a chat after... like 2months not seeing her.
and she was telling me that i'm so skinny now
What the fuck.....i weighted pretty much the saem since last time i saw her!!!
Yes, there has been no progresss with my weight loss because of my stuffed up uni exams
I think i will get "fail" for the first time in my life.........excellent
But yea back to what i was saying.....
what's wrong with people......saying that i look skinnier when i weight the same or even more? :S
Even if i do look bit thinner i will loook as skinny as her.....not even when my BMI is below her.....
Why? Because of my stupid bone structure.......i've been comparing ppl's rib size with mine from the side...................
FUCk mines nearly double the size.......................so even when i'm left with skin and bones i will still look bigger than them :"(
I HATE MY BODY!!!
The other day, another frd was telling me,
you look thin enough already when are you still saying that you are fat? It doesn't look good when you are too skinny.
It is not about looking good. Not at all. To me being sknny is the ONLY way to make me feel better about my body. People just don't get it.
What see what i mean about people having distored body image? This friend is saying i look thin enough as in i look NORMAL where as some other are saying i getting too skinny.
What the HELL.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I've under estimated the human body
Been awhile since my last post
I don't bother to do anything now days
Failing my uni
Shifting away from everyone around me
Here's just something that happened during the last 2 months
I was taken to a psychiatrist for insomnia, anxiety and halluncination
My mum went with me...
she rikd the psychiatrist nearly everything there is about my body condition, past & oresent, well as for the present the eating part at least
i was just a piece of decoration at the psychiatrist's
listening to my mum talking more and more about my irregular eating behaviour, how my period stopped most of the year last year, losing too much weight compare to early last year ( well...thats what they reckon )
so the psychiatrist concluded that i might have ED...
"rolling my eyes" far out....is that what i get for paying him 350AUD?!
maybe my parents should have just given the money to me instead LOL
my psychiatrist is an effin bastard
at the end of the first appointment my mum asked "so what's wrong with her?"
His answer? "She's getting too thin from dieting! Getting stuffed in the head!" these are not the exact words but pretty much covers it
I wanted to yell back at him " I'm not TOO THIN" EFFINpiss me off
I'm still so fat......if im too thin then what are those skinny girls out there who look so glamous...walking skeletons? i dont think so
in relation to my title....in my previous post i have mentioned that i had 7 days water fast and at the same time i was taking diet pills n other stuff. i was having grey-outs whenever i get up from sitting or bed and i couldnt even walk up the stairs without breathing difficulties
at one time i even needed my mum to pull me up the stairs
also, as i have mention i was suffering from insomnia where i didnt not sleep for consecutive 5 days long......enjoying 24 hours a day....total of 120 beautiful hours with my disgusting body
it was around the 3rd day i started to have serious anxiety which then (i suspect) caused the halluncination(vision and hearing).
I was seeing things that wasnt there e.g.
i was going to the toilet at night and i was too lazy to turn on the light
before i reach the toilet door i thought i saw shadows moving in the living room
and somewhere in my head i just had this idea that it was my parents, who were actually sleeping already, i got this feeling that they wanted to scare me or something
i thought i saw my dad going behing the curtains that was not so far from the toilet door
I don't bother to do anything now days
Failing my uni
Shifting away from everyone around me
Here's just something that happened during the last 2 months
I was taken to a psychiatrist for insomnia, anxiety and halluncination
My mum went with me...
she rikd the psychiatrist nearly everything there is about my body condition, past & oresent, well as for the present the eating part at least
i was just a piece of decoration at the psychiatrist's
listening to my mum talking more and more about my irregular eating behaviour, how my period stopped most of the year last year, losing too much weight compare to early last year ( well...thats what they reckon )
so the psychiatrist concluded that i might have ED...
"rolling my eyes" far out....is that what i get for paying him 350AUD?!
maybe my parents should have just given the money to me instead LOL
my psychiatrist is an effin bastard
at the end of the first appointment my mum asked "so what's wrong with her?"
His answer? "She's getting too thin from dieting! Getting stuffed in the head!" these are not the exact words but pretty much covers it
I wanted to yell back at him " I'm not TOO THIN" EFFINpiss me off
I'm still so fat......if im too thin then what are those skinny girls out there who look so glamous...walking skeletons? i dont think so
in relation to my title....in my previous post i have mentioned that i had 7 days water fast and at the same time i was taking diet pills n other stuff. i was having grey-outs whenever i get up from sitting or bed and i couldnt even walk up the stairs without breathing difficulties
at one time i even needed my mum to pull me up the stairs
also, as i have mention i was suffering from insomnia where i didnt not sleep for consecutive 5 days long......enjoying 24 hours a day....total of 120 beautiful hours with my disgusting body
it was around the 3rd day i started to have serious anxiety which then (i suspect) caused the halluncination(vision and hearing).
I was seeing things that wasnt there e.g.
i was going to the toilet at night and i was too lazy to turn on the light
before i reach the toilet door i thought i saw shadows moving in the living room
and somewhere in my head i just had this idea that it was my parents, who were actually sleeping already, i got this feeling that they wanted to scare me or something
i thought i saw my dad going behing the curtains that was not so far from the toilet door
i really believed all these thoughts that i had were real ... i was scared that my dad will pop out once i turn my back to go into the toilet so i just stood there hoping that he will just give up
luckily the lights were just a meter away. i stretched my hand to the switch without moving
the lights were on...and there was no one there i stood there a bit longer just to make sure
so here it was, my first senario of hallucination....im not so good with writing so it might not sound like much but i was terrified at the time
the worst was my listening hallucination...i could hear my parents talk nearly 24 hrs stright....even wen they r not at home or sleeping 2 level above me.....i got hallucinations of them talking, so loud and clear, as if they were just meters from me........ i could make out words but cannot be sure what exactly they were talking about
these are just example of the fun i had since my last post....
you would think (at least i did) after all these my body had gone though there should have some internal damages so i was terrified when my psychiatrist told my mum to take me for body check...blood test...CT....ECG....but i still did them...convinced by one of my ed frd that it would be ok
And as my title would have already told you....my results turn out to be fine....which surprised my psychiatrist (what did he expect?my body going on starvation? I WISH! i really do)
so the only thing that seem wrong was my lack of vitamin D for those who dont know...the sun is our body's main source of vitamin D
yes, i have not been out much...unleast i have no
but who would want to when you feel like a piece of fat shit?!
when i do go out, all i can take notice of is all these skinny girls and i would just want to hide myself....
so yea, thats what i've got to say for this heading....
Sunday, August 23, 2009
"Make me an anorexic please. Warning: Please do not feed me"
This is S 's recent msn name. I got pissed off seeing it. I cried even.
S has been someone that triggers my depression by doing and saying things that relates to weight and size. My title is one of the great example.
S has higher confidence than I do. Ok, in an objective view she might have her lower self esteem side. But:
She's confident enough to flirt with most of the guys she meets and make them like her if she wants.
Sometimes she might have few bfs at the same time.
She plans out a path to the future. Like doing things to prepare for the future.
Whereas in my case, I'm an avoidant. I don't want to have much contact with other people. I feel too fat most of the time to go out. I wouldn't want to have dine out while thinking hard when would be the best time to go purge in the toilet.
My future? Die from malnutrition. Yes, that's my plan.
I would first need to stop binging. I just need a start. Once i get on the track i will be all good. Max 500cal over a long period maybe before the end of next year i should be good enough to be gone.
S has been someone that triggers my depression by doing and saying things that relates to weight and size. My title is one of the great example.
S has higher confidence than I do. Ok, in an objective view she might have her lower self esteem side. But:
She's confident enough to flirt with most of the guys she meets and make them like her if she wants.
Sometimes she might have few bfs at the same time.
She plans out a path to the future. Like doing things to prepare for the future.
Whereas in my case, I'm an avoidant. I don't want to have much contact with other people. I feel too fat most of the time to go out. I wouldn't want to have dine out while thinking hard when would be the best time to go purge in the toilet.
My future? Die from malnutrition. Yes, that's my plan.
I would first need to stop binging. I just need a start. Once i get on the track i will be all good. Max 500cal over a long period maybe before the end of next year i should be good enough to be gone.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
22/7/09 morning
Yeserday i met up with frd S, i didn't talk much, she makes me too body conscious like alwaysshe was telling me she lost weight from being sick and even fainted from not eating enough......from what she recount, she had less than 1500 cal for 2 days.......................i dont think is thenot eating enough that made her fainted....i know....i'm not nice for saying this, i should be worrying about my frd who fainted............but the ill me seems to be taking control over most of my emotions these days....all i can think of is....."so u think u fainted from not eating enough? HA maybe i should do a fast until i faint or something".....i dont think its right to think that way, but.......... :thedevildance: and when she could fit a size 10 dress she's kept saying "happy happy happy happy happy happy happy" & i just sat outside the change room....logical me: of coz she's happy any girl would be happy......ill me: how many times do u need to repeat that word!!!!!!!!sorry i am fat!!logical me: i'm still thinner than you HAill me: u lost weight? u can fit a size 10? i will lose more ! until i fit size 4!(US0)logical me: stop it!!! u r still thinner than her! even though you don't know what's she weigh now but last time she mentioned it, its still over BMI 20 she cant be anywhere close to ur BMI so STOP getting upset that she's lost weight!!ill me: what if she keeps on with the weight loss?? i cant let her be close to my weight!!!!! i want to be at least 20kg under her!!!!!!!!!
my mum, knowing i'm upset about S losing weight, making me feel even fatter and in need to lose more weight:God, you will only have skin and bones!
I didn't reply, i know how mentally ill i sound....i just let my tears flow freely down my face....i couldnt help itit's not like i want to make my mum worry but i need someone IRL to talk to, i need to speak out or i would feel like bashing myself and cry even more
S has always suspect me to have bits of depression kinda thing and by the way i acted yesterday and some negative msg on my msn name she urge me to seek professional help. She said it to my face yesterday "I really think you are ill. You should go see a professional. I think you have anxiety."Then last night seeing me on msn, worry by the msg on my name she was more determinded to persuade me to go get help. And guess what one of the things she said?"Did someone died?" wtf................By the way she responds i think she reckons i'm so down because of external factors. but little does she know what's going on inside me.....all the thoughts that goe through my headI told her just treat me as usual. She's not going to make things any better. (didn't mention sometimes she just makes it worst)She wants "peace of mind" she wants me to promise her to at least see my GPi would have gone long ago if i feel like i'm mentally ready but she FORCED me to say it. i don't like lying. if i said it, most of the time i only say it if i mean it. I know she's just worry and caring for me, but isn't she being just that little bit too selfish? forcing me to go see doc when i'm not ready but just so she feels better?i felt so uneasy that i started crying.....i know she's a good friend, i know it's the right thing to do anyway...............but does she ever consider how i feel??Good example: when i was gong through era of binging and gaining weight. I TOLD HER i was not happy because of losing control of what i eat. i LITERALLY SAID IT TO HER and i'm sure that i didn't put it into some unknown language........then guess what she did............she tells me that she's hungry bc she's eating less to lose some weight. Not just once...!!! in lecture, msn.....sms when im not with her in uni......putting it on her msn...............and what was i doing when i receive the msg? binging!.........she made me feel like i was in heaven...........
Sometime i feel confused. what does she want from me? one time she's all caring the other she just say things that makes me want to stab myself..............
God just remember another thing from yesterday....we both got the same belt..................i was holding it, when i gave her one one bacl b4 goinghome she asked: " did you get S/M as well?" i asked "what sizes are there?" "S/M & M/L" "would i get M/L?" "i don't know "..........why does she do that!!!!!! i always get S/M........she's the one that usually get M/L...
Back to last night, with tears and frustration i agreed that i will go to my GP today. I couldn't stand having that conversation any longer and before she went S said:hope it goes wellS said:and that you're not diagnosed with depression
was it suppose to be funny? coz it made me laugh and cry at the same time...........
i should really shut up now......................
my mum, knowing i'm upset about S losing weight, making me feel even fatter and in need to lose more weight:God, you will only have skin and bones!
I didn't reply, i know how mentally ill i sound....i just let my tears flow freely down my face....i couldnt help itit's not like i want to make my mum worry but i need someone IRL to talk to, i need to speak out or i would feel like bashing myself and cry even more
S has always suspect me to have bits of depression kinda thing and by the way i acted yesterday and some negative msg on my msn name she urge me to seek professional help. She said it to my face yesterday "I really think you are ill. You should go see a professional. I think you have anxiety."Then last night seeing me on msn, worry by the msg on my name she was more determinded to persuade me to go get help. And guess what one of the things she said?"Did someone died?" wtf................By the way she responds i think she reckons i'm so down because of external factors. but little does she know what's going on inside me.....all the thoughts that goe through my headI told her just treat me as usual. She's not going to make things any better. (didn't mention sometimes she just makes it worst)She wants "peace of mind" she wants me to promise her to at least see my GPi would have gone long ago if i feel like i'm mentally ready but she FORCED me to say it. i don't like lying. if i said it, most of the time i only say it if i mean it. I know she's just worry and caring for me, but isn't she being just that little bit too selfish? forcing me to go see doc when i'm not ready but just so she feels better?i felt so uneasy that i started crying.....i know she's a good friend, i know it's the right thing to do anyway...............but does she ever consider how i feel??Good example: when i was gong through era of binging and gaining weight. I TOLD HER i was not happy because of losing control of what i eat. i LITERALLY SAID IT TO HER and i'm sure that i didn't put it into some unknown language........then guess what she did............she tells me that she's hungry bc she's eating less to lose some weight. Not just once...!!! in lecture, msn.....sms when im not with her in uni......putting it on her msn...............and what was i doing when i receive the msg? binging!.........she made me feel like i was in heaven...........
Sometime i feel confused. what does she want from me? one time she's all caring the other she just say things that makes me want to stab myself..............
God just remember another thing from yesterday....we both got the same belt..................i was holding it, when i gave her one one bacl b4 goinghome she asked: " did you get S/M as well?" i asked "what sizes are there?" "S/M & M/L" "would i get M/L?" "i don't know "..........why does she do that!!!!!! i always get S/M........she's the one that usually get M/L...
Back to last night, with tears and frustration i agreed that i will go to my GP today. I couldn't stand having that conversation any longer and before she went S said:hope it goes wellS said:and that you're not diagnosed with depression
was it suppose to be funny? coz it made me laugh and cry at the same time...........
i should really shut up now......................
Monday, July 20, 2009
I can see it! just a little~ but i can see it!
Spine with minimum bending!!!!!!
Yay ! =] Finally~ something that cheers me up abit
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Who was I kidding....happiness will never be in my procession
Upset by my grades.....got depressed...............just tears & more tears...........
i couldn't resist it.........i would sit in front of my computer doing something while having tears streaming down my face..........couldn't stop...........
had a talk with my dad...........he pointed out................"it's your obsession with perfection"...."you need to realise that not everything can be perfect"..............."no need to be so hard on yourself, following the world not working against it"
i felt bit more relaxed inside and thought i might actually get better
but the feeling of being a failure will always be there......i refuse to talk about my grades with any1,i will give them shits if any1 asks.......
still..........overall i got abit better, started restricting..........the feeling of control is good.....makes me feel like the life is normal again
sadly i didnt lose enough weight to compensate the weight gain from binging last week........but i will eventually get back there ..i know i will
Another thing that's been happening,
i've been avoiding frd S & K. they're actually my 2 closest friends. but like i have mentioned in my past posts being with them constantly remind me of my fatty body so i've been talking to other ppl...........................................but i couldnt help it.......i wouldn't stop mentioning about weight stuff ................they must think i'm a weirdo that's obssess with weight loss...................
then i will be ignored.....no one will want to talk to me anymore.................................................
shit life..........................
i wonder how long it will take to starve myself to death
i couldn't resist it.........i would sit in front of my computer doing something while having tears streaming down my face..........couldn't stop...........
had a talk with my dad...........he pointed out................"it's your obsession with perfection"...."you need to realise that not everything can be perfect"..............."no need to be so hard on yourself, following the world not working against it"
i felt bit more relaxed inside and thought i might actually get better
but the feeling of being a failure will always be there......i refuse to talk about my grades with any1,i will give them shits if any1 asks.......
still..........overall i got abit better, started restricting..........the feeling of control is good.....makes me feel like the life is normal again
sadly i didnt lose enough weight to compensate the weight gain from binging last week........but i will eventually get back there ..i know i will
Another thing that's been happening,
i've been avoiding frd S & K. they're actually my 2 closest friends. but like i have mentioned in my past posts being with them constantly remind me of my fatty body so i've been talking to other ppl...........................................but i couldnt help it.......i wouldn't stop mentioning about weight stuff ................they must think i'm a weirdo that's obssess with weight loss...................
then i will be ignored.....no one will want to talk to me anymore.................................................
shit life..........................
i wonder how long it will take to starve myself to death
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Food Phobia
I went through an episode of food phobia yesterday and it was a horrible feeling.
I'vw never expect it to happen to me seeing how much i binge at times.
But yesterday it was all different.
Yesterday was the 7th day of my water fast. Up until then i had nothing but water and tea sometimes an additional 20ml soymilk with it.
By the 5th day my energy level had gone way down the hill that i could bearly walk around much so i just stayed in bed. But exercise is important! I know i couldn't make myself go to gym in that state so i tried find someone to go out with me just so i have a bit of walk. And that was what my last post was about. It was then i started to realised i needed to focus on my breathing while i walk so i dont get the feeling of lack of oxygen or something. I didn't think too much of it after that I was way too happy to have gone through another day of my fast.
Fast forward to yesterday, I needed to help my mum at her work place. I couldnt get myself to work as effective as before, it's too tiring. I would try not to talk at all since it takes too much energy from me. The energy tablet i got the day befoer was not working! I didn't want to be a slow worker so i tried my best to work faster. Then my heart started to hurt. It was such a relief when my mum declare work of the day was done. On our way home we needed to walk these stairs. For the first time i started to feel tired before i reach the top. My mum even needed to pull me a bit. She's always saying that she doesn't get why i need to lose weight. Well, she will never get it.
As you can see my body wasn't doing well at all so i've decided that i will let my mum prepare lunch for me. I took it into my room on my bedside table. I've even taken a piece of chocolate as treat. So there it was on my bedside table, 1 hour...2hour.....3hour....4 hour....5hour....I couldnt get myself to eat it. It felt like anything that goes into my body will put a pound on me or something. But i know, i need it! So the two side of me; obssession & logic side, was fighting inside my head. None of my ED friends were online, no one IRL i can talk to. I felt helpless.
i just start crying. It wasn't until 7 hours later a good friend came on! She convinced me to just take a small amount, it wouldn't be too bad. I said i will try.
It was at night already, so i thought maybe i will eat tomorrow(ie today). But then it wasn't as easy as i thought. I couldn't sleep at all. My head started to burn like mad and my heart beats were racing through my chest. It was already past midnight, i really don't want to eat at that time, what if i will gain when i go on the scale in the morning! But i had no choice the discomfort was not going away. So i ate my lunch which had been sitting there for 11 hours...chew and spit most of them but i think i did manage to get something down. Funny thing while i eat i needed to keep telling myself "ilove food i love food" ...sigh.....
Finally, my body felt good enoough to sleep and i was happy with what it says on the scale today.=]
I'vw never expect it to happen to me seeing how much i binge at times.
But yesterday it was all different.
Yesterday was the 7th day of my water fast. Up until then i had nothing but water and tea sometimes an additional 20ml soymilk with it.
By the 5th day my energy level had gone way down the hill that i could bearly walk around much so i just stayed in bed. But exercise is important! I know i couldn't make myself go to gym in that state so i tried find someone to go out with me just so i have a bit of walk. And that was what my last post was about. It was then i started to realised i needed to focus on my breathing while i walk so i dont get the feeling of lack of oxygen or something. I didn't think too much of it after that I was way too happy to have gone through another day of my fast.
Fast forward to yesterday, I needed to help my mum at her work place. I couldnt get myself to work as effective as before, it's too tiring. I would try not to talk at all since it takes too much energy from me. The energy tablet i got the day befoer was not working! I didn't want to be a slow worker so i tried my best to work faster. Then my heart started to hurt. It was such a relief when my mum declare work of the day was done. On our way home we needed to walk these stairs. For the first time i started to feel tired before i reach the top. My mum even needed to pull me a bit. She's always saying that she doesn't get why i need to lose weight. Well, she will never get it.
As you can see my body wasn't doing well at all so i've decided that i will let my mum prepare lunch for me. I took it into my room on my bedside table. I've even taken a piece of chocolate as treat. So there it was on my bedside table, 1 hour...2hour.....3hour....4 hour....5hour....I couldnt get myself to eat it. It felt like anything that goes into my body will put a pound on me or something. But i know, i need it! So the two side of me; obssession & logic side, was fighting inside my head. None of my ED friends were online, no one IRL i can talk to. I felt helpless.
i just start crying. It wasn't until 7 hours later a good friend came on! She convinced me to just take a small amount, it wouldn't be too bad. I said i will try.
It was at night already, so i thought maybe i will eat tomorrow(ie today). But then it wasn't as easy as i thought. I couldn't sleep at all. My head started to burn like mad and my heart beats were racing through my chest. It was already past midnight, i really don't want to eat at that time, what if i will gain when i go on the scale in the morning! But i had no choice the discomfort was not going away. So i ate my lunch which had been sitting there for 11 hours...chew and spit most of them but i think i did manage to get something down. Funny thing while i eat i needed to keep telling myself "ilove food i love food" ...sigh.....
Finally, my body felt good enoough to sleep and i was happy with what it says on the scale today.=]
Monday, July 6, 2009
Struggle
I had a bit of battle within myself yesterday deciding rather or not i should eat.
The water fasting has been lowing my energy level way more than i would have liked it. I couldn't even get myself out of the bed in the morning. That means i couldn't get the work out i have planned. I was really upset. So i thought maybe just go out and hang with a friend would be better than me laying around.
I couldn't find anyone else free except S. I'm not saying that she's not a good friend but sometimes she mentions too much things related to weight which I'm sensitive to. When i saw her yesterday, i could tell that she's proud of her body. She would even tell her guy friend that was with us that she doesn't have a stomach. Yes, it's a flatter than before but that would be an exaggerated statement to make.
Yesterday, i've realised something. It's something that i didn't even thought is worth thinking about. S has a habit of putting her hand over my waist. And everytime when i've lost weight or lost weight after i've gained she would say to be "you've gone thinner." but if i've gain weight she wouldn't say anything. It's not like she does it during the whole time while we out. She only does it for these few seconds to feel my waist. =\ But yea, i told her that i didn't lose any weight and it's kinda true, i've only gone back to my LW
It was freezing yesterday and i didn't wear enough. In addition to that, i haven't had anything except water and tea for the past few days so my body didn't really have the energy to heat up the body. My lips and hands literally turned purple. =\ Luckily i had lip gloss to cover the lips.
As i was saying in the beginning, i had a bit of trouble continuing my fast. It turns out that it's so much easier not to want to eat when i'm with friends. While they have their lunch/dinner i just order a good warm flower tea. I also enjoy counting the calories that they were having. =P
After that we went to see a movie. Which is a really good way to take my mind off my lack of energy. We watched "State of Play". I wouldn't say it's really good nor entertaining. But these kind of serious movies really get my mind working. You know, getting every sentence that they are saying to make sure i get the full story. By the end of the movie i was way tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. So yea, it was good, the going out helped me go through my fast~Yah=]
The water fasting has been lowing my energy level way more than i would have liked it. I couldn't even get myself out of the bed in the morning. That means i couldn't get the work out i have planned. I was really upset. So i thought maybe just go out and hang with a friend would be better than me laying around.
I couldn't find anyone else free except S. I'm not saying that she's not a good friend but sometimes she mentions too much things related to weight which I'm sensitive to. When i saw her yesterday, i could tell that she's proud of her body. She would even tell her guy friend that was with us that she doesn't have a stomach. Yes, it's a flatter than before but that would be an exaggerated statement to make.
Yesterday, i've realised something. It's something that i didn't even thought is worth thinking about. S has a habit of putting her hand over my waist. And everytime when i've lost weight or lost weight after i've gained she would say to be "you've gone thinner." but if i've gain weight she wouldn't say anything. It's not like she does it during the whole time while we out. She only does it for these few seconds to feel my waist. =\ But yea, i told her that i didn't lose any weight and it's kinda true, i've only gone back to my LW
It was freezing yesterday and i didn't wear enough. In addition to that, i haven't had anything except water and tea for the past few days so my body didn't really have the energy to heat up the body. My lips and hands literally turned purple. =\ Luckily i had lip gloss to cover the lips.
As i was saying in the beginning, i had a bit of trouble continuing my fast. It turns out that it's so much easier not to want to eat when i'm with friends. While they have their lunch/dinner i just order a good warm flower tea. I also enjoy counting the calories that they were having. =P
After that we went to see a movie. Which is a really good way to take my mind off my lack of energy. We watched "State of Play". I wouldn't say it's really good nor entertaining. But these kind of serious movies really get my mind working. You know, getting every sentence that they are saying to make sure i get the full story. By the end of the movie i was way tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. So yea, it was good, the going out helped me go through my fast~Yah=]
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Parents...=\
i've been water fasting for the past few days and my parents kinda noticed it.=\
We don't store much food at home so when i pig out it's really easy to find that food are gone.
So yea, since i've been fasting i have not touch anything in the kitchen except getting water, bit obvious.
My mum knows that i hate my body and trying to lose weight. So i thought she would undrstand enough to just let me do whatever. But instead she told me yesterday that if i continue with my weight loss she will send me to a psych =[. I was nearly in tears! Why do that to me!
After awhile i put my mind together and thought "I doubt she'll really do it unleast i make things look too serious." So, as a solution i've been taking food from the kitchen and hid thm in my own kitchen cabinet just to make it look like i've eaten something. And when i'm off my fast i might eat them if they're not overdue yet =P
PS as i was talking to my mum yesterday i've also reveal something that my skinny frd K said to me which made me feel quite upset(something about K being skinnier than me). Her response was "of course, K is really skinny she's only saying the truth." *upset* then i told my mum "i hate it, i hate how she can always be so sure that she's skinnier than me. She has no right to make such assumption forever! i'm going to be skinnier than her!" my mum " why you want to do that, besides she's got a smaller bone structure which made her look smaller even if she's got for fat" me "that's ok, i will just be bonier than her!!"
I believe with ana by my side I can do it!!!!!!!
We don't store much food at home so when i pig out it's really easy to find that food are gone.
So yea, since i've been fasting i have not touch anything in the kitchen except getting water, bit obvious.
My mum knows that i hate my body and trying to lose weight. So i thought she would undrstand enough to just let me do whatever. But instead she told me yesterday that if i continue with my weight loss she will send me to a psych =[. I was nearly in tears! Why do that to me!
After awhile i put my mind together and thought "I doubt she'll really do it unleast i make things look too serious." So, as a solution i've been taking food from the kitchen and hid thm in my own kitchen cabinet just to make it look like i've eaten something. And when i'm off my fast i might eat them if they're not overdue yet =P
PS as i was talking to my mum yesterday i've also reveal something that my skinny frd K said to me which made me feel quite upset(something about K being skinnier than me). Her response was "of course, K is really skinny she's only saying the truth." *upset* then i told my mum "i hate it, i hate how she can always be so sure that she's skinnier than me. She has no right to make such assumption forever! i'm going to be skinnier than her!" my mum " why you want to do that, besides she's got a smaller bone structure which made her look smaller even if she's got for fat" me "that's ok, i will just be bonier than her!!"
I believe with ana by my side I can do it!!!!!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Ana please help me
I was just on facebook. My friend S put up a new status.
At the moment i don't know what i want to do with myself. I need ana!
I hate when S loses weight. Why?
New hair, new height and new weight!
At the moment i don't know what i want to do with myself. I need ana!
I hate when S loses weight. Why?
- She's taller and prettier than me
- Has a high self esteem, socially active nearly always gets the guys she wants
- She doesn't care about her weight as much as i do! She was happy with the weight she had.
What the fuck. Why is life so unfair??????????????????????????????????????????????????????/
I want to kill myself right now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
oh mia...
fast one day, hop onto the scale the next day
no weight loss? mia will come..
and then the whole thing happens again for the whole week this week
paranoid
..............................................................................................................
solution? maybe i will just water fast for as long as i can and weigh myself once in a few days....
hope that works..........
food is evil!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Ana or Mia?
Ana of coz! Mia go away :/
Let myself loss for the past few days. So this week it was half ana and half mia. Regrets? yes. Hate myself losing control. Hate all these fat on my body. It makes me feel disgusted. Sometimes i have the urge to take out a knife and just cut them out.
I sound calm? Well i am now. I've done all the yelling and screaming in my head already. I'm glad to have this blog here where i can spill out all my weight issues. In real life, people will just think I'm weird to be complaining myself to be fat. Before setting this blog i got no one to talk to about all these stuff.
When i complained about my weight to my friends they will just tell me that I'm thin enough or I'm just right. 1. I don't want to be just right, i want to be skinny! 2. I'm not thin! I can still see all these fat! They never try to understand, all they do is repeat themselves trying to focus their ideas into mine.
I started ana this time last yr but i didn't do it intentionally it just kind of happened. I was trying to lose some weight so i started to control my calorie intake. At the same time i had this casual job which was getting really busy in June and July so i was working my head off as well as controlling my calories. And then slowly, my daily intake got as low as less then 200cal for nearly whole month. Result? Lost around 6 kg? and no period for 6 months. :/ During that 6 months i started to eat in normal capacity then slowly i became mia.
Sorry for that bit of boring history. But yea, tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning~!
Starve on~ [=
but i know, no one would care, no one would ever care
im ugly and fat
Let myself loss for the past few days. So this week it was half ana and half mia. Regrets? yes. Hate myself losing control. Hate all these fat on my body. It makes me feel disgusted. Sometimes i have the urge to take out a knife and just cut them out.
I sound calm? Well i am now. I've done all the yelling and screaming in my head already. I'm glad to have this blog here where i can spill out all my weight issues. In real life, people will just think I'm weird to be complaining myself to be fat. Before setting this blog i got no one to talk to about all these stuff.
When i complained about my weight to my friends they will just tell me that I'm thin enough or I'm just right. 1. I don't want to be just right, i want to be skinny! 2. I'm not thin! I can still see all these fat! They never try to understand, all they do is repeat themselves trying to focus their ideas into mine.
I started ana this time last yr but i didn't do it intentionally it just kind of happened. I was trying to lose some weight so i started to control my calorie intake. At the same time i had this casual job which was getting really busy in June and July so i was working my head off as well as controlling my calories. And then slowly, my daily intake got as low as less then 200cal for nearly whole month. Result? Lost around 6 kg? and no period for 6 months. :/ During that 6 months i started to eat in normal capacity then slowly i became mia.
Sorry for that bit of boring history. But yea, tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning~!
Starve on~ [=
but i know, no one would care, no one would ever care
im ugly and fat
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Date? = Eating? Aww...help >.<
HELP
As mention in the last post i declined a dinner night to keep up with my progress. However, that person invited me again asking me what i am doing for the next few days. AWW.....i couldn't make up something for everyday and so it was decided that we will be meeting up tomorrow.
Problem is, if i go and have a normal dinner what can i order? Even if i just order a salad i might not be able to finish it. That's going to be weird isn't it? Like, here's a plate of salad and i take a few spoonful and said i'm full already. one thing, i hate wasting food and second wouldn't it seem rude? What other choices do i have??? Order a glass of orange juice and just watch someone else eat? It would be ok if it's someone that i've known for awhile but i've only known this person for...less than a month?
So can anyone give me some suggestion on what i can do?!Please!
Yesterday was thursday, grovery shopping day. I regret so much of going with my mum!! I ended up breaking my fast. HELL After a few days of fast, eating solid food seems like a sin. Even a few spoonful of salad feels like it's going to put a pound on me. But I knew i sort of needed the energy since i've been having heaps of grey-out. Ok, that's no excuse. I'm weak >< omg, whenever i think of it makes me want to cry. And my mum! bought my favourite ice cream stick! There it is, looking at me calling out, "You've break your fast already might as well have a treat!" I'm a sinner. F*** there goes 235cal. Luckily, i didn't go pass my max intake.(Trying not to think of the fat and carbohydrates)
So points for thursday:
Under max intake: +10
Water: +3
Exercise: +5
Total: 18
As mention in the last post i declined a dinner night to keep up with my progress. However, that person invited me again asking me what i am doing for the next few days. AWW.....i couldn't make up something for everyday and so it was decided that we will be meeting up tomorrow.
Problem is, if i go and have a normal dinner what can i order? Even if i just order a salad i might not be able to finish it. That's going to be weird isn't it? Like, here's a plate of salad and i take a few spoonful and said i'm full already. one thing, i hate wasting food and second wouldn't it seem rude? What other choices do i have??? Order a glass of orange juice and just watch someone else eat? It would be ok if it's someone that i've known for awhile but i've only known this person for...less than a month?
So can anyone give me some suggestion on what i can do?!Please!
Yesterday was thursday, grovery shopping day. I regret so much of going with my mum!! I ended up breaking my fast. HELL After a few days of fast, eating solid food seems like a sin. Even a few spoonful of salad feels like it's going to put a pound on me. But I knew i sort of needed the energy since i've been having heaps of grey-out. Ok, that's no excuse. I'm weak >< omg, whenever i think of it makes me want to cry. And my mum! bought my favourite ice cream stick! There it is, looking at me calling out, "You've break your fast already might as well have a treat!" I'm a sinner. F*** there goes 235cal. Luckily, i didn't go pass my max intake.(Trying not to think of the fat and carbohydrates)
So points for thursday:
Under max intake: +10
Water: +3
Exercise: +5
Total: 18
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Hunger?
Rumbling stomach...but i can't feel any hunger.
Today is the forth day of my fast. I'm amazed. Didn't really eat anything except the boost juice i had yesterday which is 140cal. What' made me decide to get it is because I was woken by heartburn yesterday. So i thought i should at least put something in my stomach beside water and tea. For that intake i worked hard during my workout so i can burn at least 300cal~ which took me around 1hr15min. Maybe its because i havent been exercising for awhile, felt so tired and sweat so much even though i wasn't exercising in high intensity.
After gym i went shopping. Well, i wasn't planning to get anything since i feel so fat. But just want to check out the sales and maybe grab some bargains? So after my workout i shopped for around 4 hours at least. which was so tiring so wen i got home i just went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night and blog~ ha Oh, and for the heartburn i went to get some antacid just incase it happens again. Wouldn't want it to happen again, felt like i wanted to vomit without anything in my stomach.
Someone asked me out for dinner tonight, but i declined making an excuse that i feel unwell so it can be changed to next week. I'm not going to let anyone interrup my fast since i've been so successful so far!
Better get ready to go gym soon!~ [=
Weight Loss Comp points
Tue:
Under max intake: +10
Water:+3
Exercise: +2
Total: 15
Wed
Under max intake: +10
Water: +2
Exercise: +5
Total: 17
Today is the forth day of my fast. I'm amazed. Didn't really eat anything except the boost juice i had yesterday which is 140cal. What' made me decide to get it is because I was woken by heartburn yesterday. So i thought i should at least put something in my stomach beside water and tea. For that intake i worked hard during my workout so i can burn at least 300cal~ which took me around 1hr15min. Maybe its because i havent been exercising for awhile, felt so tired and sweat so much even though i wasn't exercising in high intensity.
After gym i went shopping. Well, i wasn't planning to get anything since i feel so fat. But just want to check out the sales and maybe grab some bargains? So after my workout i shopped for around 4 hours at least. which was so tiring so wen i got home i just went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night and blog~ ha Oh, and for the heartburn i went to get some antacid just incase it happens again. Wouldn't want it to happen again, felt like i wanted to vomit without anything in my stomach.
Someone asked me out for dinner tonight, but i declined making an excuse that i feel unwell so it can be changed to next week. I'm not going to let anyone interrup my fast since i've been so successful so far!
Better get ready to go gym soon!~ [=
Weight Loss Comp points
Tue:
Under max intake: +10
Water:+3
Exercise: +2
Total: 15
Wed
Under max intake: +10
Water: +2
Exercise: +5
Total: 17
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Feeling abit down at the moment....
The every first thing i did this morning was salt flush. But it didn't go well. I thought i should do it again to make sure i clean all the junk that i had so that my body dont hang on to them. Everything was just like yesterday except i feel my stomach being really blowed so i kept on massaging with my palm for the whole 30min. Then all of a sudden all the salt water came right out.==; Luckily i still had my cup with me. Then the rest just followed....No idea how that happened. Felt sick for half of the day. Don't think i will be doing it again anytime soon.
I had my last exam today. YAY! Now I can start my exercise again~! Need to burn ALL THE FAT! I measured myself last night....dislike the numbers very much...and out of all, my thighs had gained most fat. I hate being a PEAR! My legs look short and chubby. The perfect legs:
On my way home i bumped into a friend and had a little chat. First it was about how she's been and then we started talking about being thin. She was telling me how she doesn't like those bony models and i was getting abit too thin when i was at my lowest weight now its just right. I didn't really talk back. I wanted to defend. I wanted to say that I want to be bony. But she wouldnt understand. She would just say, it's ugly! It's aibt sad to know how people don't appreciate your prespective of beauty.
Then there's this mind struggle i have had all day. On my way to uni, theres fast food chains, grovery stores, backery and sushi bar. Leave me alone!
"Get something to eat, you can lose weight by limiting intake no need to fast."
"You can't risk feeling dizzy during exam, eat something!"
But:
"I really want to loose all these stupid weight i've gain in the past month"
"According to info, i can lose at least 1lb everyday! Don't you want see if it really does?"
So these thoughts kept on circulating my head. sigh....
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Ready to fly again!
My first 24 hour fast! I'm overwhelm by my success after my long continuous struggle with self control for the past month. Everything will get back on track now!
Did a salt flush this morning which was really successful! Much better than the ones i did before.
The only difference between the one i did this moring and the ones that i had done is that instead of 2litres of water i only use 1litre to accommodate with my 2 teaspoon of salt.
It is recommended to use unidolized salt but i didn't have time and the will to go out so i just use the normal seasalt and it still works pretty well .^^ And with 1litre less its much easier to finish within 30min!
Now I have made myself a cup of lemon tea with black tea and 2 tablespoon of freshly squeezed lemon juice. the teabag should be around 2cal and lemon juice should be 7cal so that's 9cal.
I made this according to the lemon cleanse concept. I don't really like adding syrups as suggested from most of the sites i visited it makes me think of sugar. So i use blacktea as a substitution for the taste. I don't know if other people can take it but it tastes alright with me. I'm not sure with the effect but tea is got to be good for u right?
I have just done some reasearh. Apparently green tea is better for weight loss than black tea because they have more catechins which have effect on body fat. Should change to green tea now~<3
Hopefully I can do a 7day fast without any disruption. My last exam is tomorrow. After that my friends will want to go celebrate which will definitely including eating out. I better start prepare some excuses. The best one i can come up with so far, "Exhausted from overnight study, need to go home and sleep.".
Then there are meeting up with friends that i haven't seen in a while.
Excuse: My parents want me to have dinner or lunch with me ~ Ya~ that should do
But then what if i will be out with them for the whole day?Hmm.....that will be a problem.....
My ultimate goal is to do a 28days fast~ will that be forever a goal?
My ultimate goal is to do a 28days fast~ will that be forever a goal?
Stephanie Naumoska: 2009 Miss Australia candidate~
the first thing i saw her on TV: She'e got my dream body!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Ibbie Assumptions
- not losing weight while trying to = i am fat
- unable to easily fit into a size 0 or the smallest size and looking good = i am fat
- i am fat when i feel fat
- losing weight doesnt mean im thin, im just bit slimmer than before but still fat
- not losing weight or not losing enough weight while someone else have = i am fat
- similarly, if someone is moving down a size and i am still at the same size or not feeling loose in my clothes = i am fat
- weighting the same as someone i reckon is skinny doesnt mean i am skinny too, they might be taller or i might have lighter bones which makes my body have larger proportion of fat
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Temptation
Why can't I stop eating?
Do I want my fat ass back? NO
Do i want to cover myself with baggie clothes to hide my fat? NO
I want to feel beautiful! I am clear with what I want.
SO WHY THE HELL AM I EATING?
I don't get it, sometimes I can just limit myself to calories <500 for whole month
and sometimes i just fucken can't get my mind off FOOD.
I really do want to look skinny....i really do.........so why am i doing this to myself...
I have this friend who i would say...skinny..naturally skinny...and she knows it
She would tell me at times that she wants to get fatter, she wants to put on abit more weight
She's skinny but not scary skinny....
She's about 3inch taller than me but weights close to my weight...
Even at the lowest weight of 97lb...which was about 8lb lighter than her....
When i told her i was finally lighter than her, she looked at me up and down abit
and said "I probably have heavy bones".......
I was speechless....
Secretly in my mind i vow to myself
I WILL one day be so skinny that even this friend of mine will say that I look skinnier than her!
So for that, I should gettin back on track with my weight loss journey
Do I want my fat ass back? NO
Do i want to cover myself with baggie clothes to hide my fat? NO
I want to feel beautiful! I am clear with what I want.
SO WHY THE HELL AM I EATING?
I don't get it, sometimes I can just limit myself to calories <500 for whole month
and sometimes i just fucken can't get my mind off FOOD.
I really do want to look skinny....i really do.........so why am i doing this to myself...
I have this friend who i would say...skinny..naturally skinny...and she knows it
She would tell me at times that she wants to get fatter, she wants to put on abit more weight
She's skinny but not scary skinny....
She's about 3inch taller than me but weights close to my weight...
Even at the lowest weight of 97lb...which was about 8lb lighter than her....
When i told her i was finally lighter than her, she looked at me up and down abit
and said "I probably have heavy bones".......
I was speechless....
Secretly in my mind i vow to myself
I WILL one day be so skinny that even this friend of mine will say that I look skinnier than her!
So for that, I should gettin back on track with my weight loss journey
Friday, June 5, 2009
I need a fast!!!
Frustrated....I have been trying to have a fast for the past week and failed :'(
After seeing all these other pro ana bloggings, i figured that if i have a blog of my own i will be more likely to succeed XD
So yea, besides that i am hoping to find supports from other pro ana ^o^
Don't expect me to use any beautiful words, im just going to blog with my raw emotion here.
In my world~ i dont have any or know any pro ana frds
I really hate it when people tell me that i am thin enough and i shouldnt lose anymore weight.
They are just saying it because they r fatter or they just don't see all the fat !
There was this chick that about the same height and weight as me and she was telling me that im in good shape. Fuck her! Ok she's got a slim upper body but she looks like she's got elephant legs! GOD! Don't tell me that im thin enough for looking like her!
Then there's this better frd....at times she will say to me...."babe~ u know u r skinny" and i was just like~ NO NO NO NO NO
seriously i need people that can understand me !
i am around 5'3 tall and no idea what my current weight is..
i was doing so well in APRIL limiting my calories to 500 and excercising everyday! reaching lowest 97 lb! but out of no where got all depressed during May and started binging! Now i dont fucken want to go on the scale...Even without going on the scale....I know...i've gained heaps of weight i can feel the fat running through every inch of my body. It makes me want to cry:'(
So please give me strength all the pro ana out there!~
My goal is to reach 85lb by October latest~~ before my birthday ~ it would be the best present i can give to myself <3 and then i will continue to see how much more i can lose XD
After seeing all these other pro ana bloggings, i figured that if i have a blog of my own i will be more likely to succeed XD
So yea, besides that i am hoping to find supports from other pro ana ^o^
Don't expect me to use any beautiful words, im just going to blog with my raw emotion here.
In my world~ i dont have any or know any pro ana frds
I really hate it when people tell me that i am thin enough and i shouldnt lose anymore weight.
They are just saying it because they r fatter or they just don't see all the fat !
There was this chick that about the same height and weight as me and she was telling me that im in good shape. Fuck her! Ok she's got a slim upper body but she looks like she's got elephant legs! GOD! Don't tell me that im thin enough for looking like her!
Then there's this better frd....at times she will say to me...."babe~ u know u r skinny" and i was just like~ NO NO NO NO NO
seriously i need people that can understand me !
i am around 5'3 tall and no idea what my current weight is..
i was doing so well in APRIL limiting my calories to 500 and excercising everyday! reaching lowest 97 lb! but out of no where got all depressed during May and started binging! Now i dont fucken want to go on the scale...Even without going on the scale....I know...i've gained heaps of weight i can feel the fat running through every inch of my body. It makes me want to cry:'(
So please give me strength all the pro ana out there!~
My goal is to reach 85lb by October latest~~ before my birthday ~ it would be the best present i can give to myself <3 and then i will continue to see how much more i can lose XD
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